quarter-life pause

In the midst of interning/volunteering, job searching, dog owning, and the general holiday season bustle—I pause and ask the universe, "Is it ok if I take a moment to blog?"

Hah I know, what a lame question to ask the universe right? Well sometimes you really just have to pause and give yourself some time, whether it be to write, paint, veg out, pig out, work out, cry, scream, laugh—some kind of release or expression, orderly and not so orderly.

I guess one of the things I want to acknowledge before this pause ends and the universe plays again, is how happy I am that I'm even able to pause. Only a couple of months ago, my life was so out of balance and out of whack, that I would often have moments where I would bust out bawling seemingly without reason. Thinking back now, I think the reason was I wasn't where I was supposed to be, not doing what I was supposed to do, at least not at this phase of my life anyway. Who knows what the next 25 years will bring?

Speaking of 25, can you believe it's almost "next year" already? My 24th year making my way around this planet is coming to a close and it's amazing what a difference a year makes. Not to say that the turbulence is over because I still have yet to get myself back on stable ground after taking the leap into uncertainty a.k.a. unemployment. I still have yet to fully answer, "Are you crazy? Quit a stable, well-paying job in this economy?!" I still have yet... the list goes on.

As always, in true older-fart-me fashion, I must end this pause and leave this post without a true resolution. I'll just leave you with pictures, which is more fun anyway :]

Captures from this morning's walk:
Dew Drops

mondo bongo

I got an email from a ~50 year old immigrant woman today...

I met her just two days ago when I volunteered for mock interviews with Upwardly Global. It was a surreal experience interviewing someone who had waaay more experience (career and life-wise) than I do.

She thanked me for my time and for giving her "more confidence." If only she knew how much her time and appreciation meant to me.

I really am where I'm supposed to be,
Doing what I'm supposed to do.

rain rain go...

ehh, i'm digging the rain so not really a "go away" right away sort of situation just yet... makes it a pain to walk Mochi though.

but shyea, it's pouring here (~4in in the last 24hrs).

took a step back and moved forward

what a fulfilling week that was.

yes, there were moments when i was more freaked out about being unemployed than others, times when Mochi (Tummie's little sister) was being more of a butt than usual, and times where i wanted to just be cocooned in the stability of san diego again, etc etc... but those moments are expected in this "going-for-it" phase of life and they pass, maybe not as quickly as we'd like but they pass.

for the most part, this welcome week in the ye olde bay area was, in one word, sohweet.

right off the bat i got to celebrate a birfday of one of the intelligent and beautiful women in my life, then mid-week was sprinkled with a refreshing and uplifting book/poetry reading with good friends, and today was topped off with a free outdoor jazz concert and a surprise visit from loved ones.

yep, "sohweet" sums up this week pretty well.

Tummie 1997-2009

I wrote a little about Tummie in a previous entry (my puppy) but I don't think the entry did him justice... no entry I write now or in the future will either but I want to keep his memory alive and one way to do that is in word, so tada.

I still remember the first time I met Tummie... we'd just moved in to our very own house after living with my uncle for a couple of years so that we could set up a bit after immigrating from the Philippines. I was laying on my belly doodling on paper when my sister walks into the room with something in her hands, she whispered, "look Beb" and let her hands part. To summarize my reaction in a word: "Eep!"

We hid him from Dad that night... the parentals didn't want to complicate the new, spic and span clean house, with a brand new pup a.k.a. poop machine that would eventually grow to be a 70+ lb dog... at that time though, he was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand and in the shoe box I tried to make his bed hah.

The next morning, we quietly crept up next to the Daddio, regal in his brand spanking new kitchen enjoying breakfast and without saying a word held Tummie up in his line of view. He glanced over and grunted a stern staccato, "No" but we all know how that turned out eh? He may have a stern exterior that is all too familiar to my siblings and me but deep down, I know my dad is a softy and I thank him for everything he's done for my fam, including letting us keep Tummie...

What kind of a name is Tummie for a dog anyway? Well, not knowing that at the earliest stages, puppies sleep 99.9% of the time or something like that, we just thought, "Geez this dog is tamad!" or lazy in English. "I dub thee Tummie," was inevitable.

Tummie was there when my parents became proud home owners, when my sisters and I grew into independent women, when my brother grew into a strong man, high school, college, boyfriends, girlfriends, ups, downs, graduations, births, deaths, and so much more. Tummie was there through it all, always unconditionally loving each of us, protecting us from any harm (which he had an awesome way of sensing when we couldn't), and just reminding us that you can never have too much play and happiness in life...

hello uncertainty

i'm itching to write yet the words don't flow like they used to... a side effect of the sleep know as corporate america... a sleep i'm actually going to be waking from pretty soon. cool beans. hopefully it works out i say over and over.

i'll have to settle for abstract... maybe when i wake up, i'll make more sense.

i'm feeling the vibes below right now, all cheesy and not so cheesy:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

"You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is." -Will Rogers

"Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free." -Paul Tillich

"Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress." -Thomas Edison

"The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." -W.E.B. Du Bois

inspirare

in- + spirare to breathe

the more i take time to breathe, the more i realize how much inspiration is around me. i wish i can take true and deep breaths all the time, or at least more often that i do now ...

i've always wondered, why would you let it happen? when you've heard those who've come before say "i wish" or "if i could go back" or "if i were young again" or or or ... why not heed these ... these warnings? these insights?.. encouragements in disguise?..

"go for it!" beats her chest pa rum pum pum pum ... "hold it, hhhold it," ticks her head ticky-tick ticky-ticka-tick. stuck-o limbo.

if only she were into more quantitative sort of things, then maybe she wouldn't have such a hard time 'figuring it out.' what the heezy?! i wonder if -beep- majors flow right into the wave of reality post college ideality???

i'm rusty. work dulls and is dull. busy as f*ck as always but dull in the way it matters, challenging but not challenging in the way i like it ... no stimulation going on in the good ol' gray matter at all but sadly, plenty of stress to go around.

i miss fulfilling activity and engaging conversations. i need to make time before time says wala na.

my puppy

12 years old this may (or was it this past march ... it's an "m" month i know) but he'll forever be my puppy. what is that in dog years? 7 times 12, 84 years old. my puppy is 84 this year ... 84+ to be exact since he's a big old bear. i can't really vent to anyone else except for chad (we're the biggest dog ppl that i know of anyway) so i vent here ...

i thought i was more prepared than ever but i busted out bawling unexpectedly again tonight. dang-nabbit. & from what? from reading ... well reading something relevant yea but come on now, bawling from reading? i really need to buck it up ...

i was reading the "doctor's medical recommendation" slip from the vet. it was written this past february when he got sick & i was off on a business trip. i thought that was it & i wouldn't be there for him. tonight's the first time i read it, the doctor's recommendation ... euthanasia ... aftercare ... cremation ...

i don't want to wait until he gets sick again but how do you pick a day?

it's time

funny! or maybe it's just me?



i totally feel the chic riding the whale/dolphin sea creature haha ... funny because sad but true?

i know i know,
posting a video is a cop out and
doesn't really count but
hey it's something eh?

hints, checks, & balances

hello world, hello self. it's been awhile, happy friday the thirteenth, and et cetera sara.

i've been getting these "hints" right (let's call them that because i have no idea how else to refer to them). well these hints, they keep getting stronger and stronger...probably because they're not coming through and i'm not getting them. i wonder when/if they'll stop being hints and turn into slap upside the head epiphanies or whatevermacallits. i'm probably not getting these hints because i'm deep in shhh commonly known as work and it's throwing me out of whack in all sorts of ways. you know, making my pondering skills all weak in the knees and useless. let's just say that work has blurred the lines that would otherwise create a balanced life and that's never a good thing...not to mention that this blurring of lines doesn't come with overtime pay, which makes it doubly suckier.

btw, i don't see myself writing anything that makes sense anytime soon. i think the fact that i'm out of whack is making my brain just throw up letters and punctuation marks in an attempt to make sense of all that's going on around and inside. blad dee blah, boop dee boop.

alls i know is: i better check myself before i wreck myself.