big ball of something

"you're like a big ball of tension," he says. kudos to him for the things he puts up with, poor guy gets the brunt of it all.

how do you convince yourself, it's okay to take care of yourself? i have to admit, i have absolutely no idea. i give the advice often and yet can't genuinely take it myself. it's hard because growing up with parents who took care of everyone else, you can't help but feel you should be doing the same and more. just like my parents, i seem not to know what to do when it comes time to actually focus on myself. are you kidding? if you know me you'd know that i don't like to draw attention to myself so why would i pay attention to me to begin with?

maybe that's why i love the beach so much, specifically the waves. everything is washed away as you let yourself be carried by the water and for a brief moment you feel weightless. that and jumping out of a plane or riding a motorcycle/bicycle really really fast so that all you hear is the wind blowing and all you see is a blur.

shades, tones, & variations

“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”

― Sylvia Plath